Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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