The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
