apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
