i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
