I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
