I looked at my own cervix.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
