I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
