final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm way too hungover for life right now
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
