my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
