I wish my penis had an off switch
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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