Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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