I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this will be a night to untag.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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