Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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