Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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