everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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