This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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