Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
