My friends, they love my intelligence
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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