Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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