my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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