Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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