your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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