I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
