The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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