I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
