I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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