Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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