Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Randomize
