Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
