Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
