I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
