I'm eating all of the evidence.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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