I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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