dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
