I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
