There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you traded sex for a burrito?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize