dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
