You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
