last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
