I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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