His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
