I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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