No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
