his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
