Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
