Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
