You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
