i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
