Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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