I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
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Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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