I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
