i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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