The maid of honor just puked.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
