Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize