So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
