my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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