he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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